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There and Back Again or
When Frodo Visits Sam |
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“So tell me, Sam,” says Frodo, “What’s new in The Shire these days?” “Oh, let me tell you, Mr. Frodo, sir, things has changed and not for the better.” “Like what?” ”Oh, we’ve got MTV here now, Mr. Frodo. Bunch of tall folks leaping about with no clothes on to speak of, sir. It’s like pornography set to music if you ask me.” “Pornography, huh? Well, after living with elves all this time, I would love to see a hairy-footed woman. Those longhaired broads look like plucked chickens, if you ask me. The only hair they got is on their heads and it’s not even curly! Just hangs there.” “Yes, well, I do pity Strider, I mean, Aragorn, sir. But I guess he likes ‘em that way, he does.” “No accounting for taste, Sam.” “Not at all, sir. And then there’s my own kids. My son shaved his feet.” “He did what?” “Yep, shaved them clean off. Says, ‘All the other kids are doing it, Da.’ I say it makes him look like a short Orc.” “Well, he’s not as skinny as an Orc, I’ll wager.” “No, ha, ha, not at all, Mr. Frodo. The kids are so fat, they can only play seek. They run around The Shire yelling, ‘I see you!’ ‘Duh!’” “That’s a good one, Sam-wise. Tell me, have you got any pipe weed laying about?” ”No, my wife made me give that up. Says it stinks up the house and stunts my growth.” ”That’s too bad.” “So what do you do with the elves all day, sir?” “Mostly, I just stare and sigh. You know, I’m quite good at it. Want to see?” ”No, that’s okay, Mr. Frodo, sir. I saw enough of that on our adventures, I did.” “Those were the days, weren’t they, Sam?” ”Aye, Mr. Frodo.” “Any trouble at all ‘round these parts?” ”Nah, but I have my fun. When I get those crappy toothbrushes at the dentists I send them to the Orcs. Postage due!” “Hahahahahahahahahahaha.” ”And when I get those shampoo samples in the junk mail, I send them to King Aragorn!” ”Hahahahahahahahahaha!” “Does the man ever brush his hair?” ”I’m not sure that he owns a brush, Mr. Frodo. Might mess up his crown!” ”Hahahahahahahahahaha!” “So how are Merry and Pippin, these days, Sam?” ”Well, they finally came out, you know. They’re quite happy and living together in Vermont. Pippin had his toe pierced.” “That’s good. Say, isn’t it time to eat, yet? I’ve only had four meals today, Sam.” ”Sure, want to order some onion rings?” ”Hahahahahahahahaha! Anything but lembas! I’m sick and tired of lembas. Every meal, it’s lembas. Lembas with lemba gravy, lemba pie, lemba casserole. I’m about to go mad, Sam.” “Well, Mr. Frodo, we could always have sushi. That was Gollum’s favorite treat, now wasn’t it?” “You know, Sam, ol’ Bilbo had another heart attack the other day.” ”You don’t say?” “I’m afraid I was at fault. I was just trying to have some fun and I sneaked up behind him and yelled, ‘Gollum!’” “Oh, Mr. Frodo, that wasn’t nice. Hahahahahahaha.” “Yeah, Gandalf zapped my butt.” “Ouch.” “So did you finish the book, Sam?” ”No. My kids got a hold of it and colored on all the pages. One time, Gimli visited, got drunk and drew dirty pictures in it labeled, ‘My Precious.’ I had to burn the thing after that.” “Too bad, Sam.” “Well, Mr. Frodo, it’s been grand but I’ve got to go pick up my Rosie at the salon. She’s getting her feet permed today.” “Good to see you, Sam.” "And you, too, Mr. Frodo, sir." |
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