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Hope in Heaven |  |
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Hi! Hello! How are you?! This is Bob “Dearly Departed” Hope live from Heaven. I know it’s Heaven because I just played golf the other day and shot an 18! Again! Actually, I was playing with Moses, which was very surreal. Every time he hit his ball in the water hazard, he just parted the waves and played it as it lay. I know it’s Heaven because Jack Benny can actually play his violin! Jack is a recent arrival to Heaven. When he got to the Pearly Gates, St. Peter told him he couldn’t bring it with him. So, Jack told him to give him some time to think it over. I know it’s Heaven because I just saw Hedy Lamar. And she was naked! Naked! Of course, since this is Heaven, she saw me fully clothed. Don’t worry, Dolores! I’m waiting for you! And now for a little entertainment. A change of pace is always good, right? Here’s Jam Master Jay from Run-DMC doing “The Jesus Rap.” Hit it, Jay! “Yo. Home boys! Glad to see y’all here. Jesus loves yo, yes he does He does it no matter what you was He loves you black, he loves you stinky He loves you if yo skin is pinky He died on the cross for yo and me It’s like yo sins just never be The dude is real, the one and only And you don’t need no telephoney Just pray to the man, let Him know yo sad And ask Him to help yo not be bad Jesus was the first, oh, yes He be He said ‘Be Good’ before E.T. Jesus loves yo, yes he does Not for reason, just because” Well, that was great, just great! We were going to have The Andrew Sisters sing it but that would be Hell! We have a special guest here, tonight, folks. It’s Mary, the mother of Christ! Hi, Mary, how you doing? “Just fine, Mr. Hope.” You can call me Bob. “Is that you name or what you want done to your nose?” Ha, ha, Mary. Ha ha! “Well, Bob, we do have some extra noses you can choose from. Here’s Michael Jackson’s original nose. It’s been used but not much!” Ha, ha, Mary! Tell me, what’s new with you? “Well, Bob. I’m worried about the folks on Earth. Lately, they claim to see me in tortillas.” Really? “Yes, and frankly, it has me concerned. If they’re seeing images in their food, then I think faith is the least of their worries.” I couldn’t agree with you more, Mary. “And those images aren’t even accurate, Bob. How does anyone know what I look like? How do they know what my Son looks like? Don’t you think He would have left a photograph if it was important? A sketching, maybe.” Good point, Mary. Thanks for being here! We were going to have some dead presidents roast me for a change, but none of them are here! It’s Heaven! I know it’s Heaven because I just saw Dean Martin with a swizzle stick the size of Cleveland! I just saw Sammy Davis, Jr. and he had two eyes! I saw Elvis and since I’m dead, I know he is, too! I thought I saw Richard Lewis, but it was just his career! That’s all for tonight folks! I’ll be back for all eternity, remember! And since this is Heaven, the jokes will be funny! |
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