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Jesus, It's Mom! |  |
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It couldn’t have been easy. She knew from the beginning that this was no ordinary child and given the numerous times the Bible cites the humor of Jesus as an adult, he must have been quite a handful even as a boy. “Jesus! Jesus! It’s time to get up already! I swear getting that child out of bed is like raising the dead. JESUS! Get up! Quit lying there in a crucified position pretending you can’t hear me. IT’S NOT FUNNY! Now quit rolling your eyes at me and listen. I’ve been getting complaints from the neighbors again. I know you think it’s funny when you make old man Kaplan’s pigs fly but the poor thing nearly had a heart attack. He was running around shouting, ‘It’s the apocalypse! It’s the apocalypse!’ Do you have any idea what that does to property values to be known as the neighborhood with the flying pigs? And yes, I know Paul was pestering you again but throwing your voice to the donkey was just pushing it too far. One of these days, God will want to get Paul’s attention and he’ll just be numb to the talking donkey trick and then what will He do? Jesus! Are you listening to me? Are these YOUR sandals left out in the hallway again? How are you supposed to attract a nice Jewish girl and get married if you’re such a slob? And don’t just levitate them into your closet again! Get up and put them away properly! And don’t give me ‘I’m not interested in girls’ routine. I saw you looking at the fallen women in the market yesterday. And don’t think I don’t know about you healing the acne of the entire senior class just to get someone to go to the prom with you. A mother knows, Jesus, a mother knows. Your brothers are not going to fall for you saying you have to be about your Father’s business when you want to get out of your share of the chores. Your father is a carpenter and it’s your turn to sweep up the shavings today. Do it right this time. Last time when you just parted them during your Moses imitation, it took me hours to clean out the corners of the room Hours, Jesus! You think I don’t have more important things to do? I still have to write out apology notes to the ladies who came over for the Tupperware party last week. Turning the punch into wine and making the hostess so drunk she burped louder than the display containers embarrassed me no end, Jesus. I know it was you that mixed up the dairy and the meat plates, too, so don’t think you got away with that either. Now get up and get a bath, a proper bath, Jesus. Don’t just walk on the water like last time. Use soap and get entirely wet. Just shaking the dust out of your sandals doesn’t impress the ladies, Jesus. You think I want to be the only woman on the street without grandchildren? That reminds me. I have to buy groceries today. Your father is sick and tired of fish and loaves. You’ve got to have some fruit, a little fiber in your diet, Jesus. You need to keep up your strength, dear. Lord knows when you may have to push away something heavy.” |
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