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Macho Game |  |
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Anyone who knows me knows that I am not in the least bit homophobic. I truly apologize to any and all who were offended by my use of this word. This is a humor column and not a statement of personal beliefs or values. Just trying to get a laugh, folks. I don’t know how it got its present reputation of being a macho, he-man-type sport. Don’t get me wrong; I love football. I watch my pathetic Chargers week in and week out because unlike some of you late bandwagon jumpers, I am a real fan, I am loyal to the end and I am an idiot. But since my team is so pitiful, my attention strays and I’ve noticed other things about the game that are very manly. First off, we have men making passes to and at other men. Complete, incomplete, deflected passes are flying around like “Leather Night” at a gay bar. Suits are stuffed and are worn so tight, you can tell the religion of the player. They pull up their stocking and each and every player wears a facemask and a hat. On sunny days, they wear eye makeup. When passes are completed, everyone cheers, hugs and slaps each other’s butt. Some players will even dance. You even have players who are called, right to their very faces, tight ends. You have all kinds of “backs,” running around in broad daylight for all to see. Have you see the position the players assume when they line up for a play? And if anyone moves, they throw a hankie at them. And I don’t care how well I know you, if you put your hands in the same place as the quarterback does, I will slap your face and report you to your momma. The punters can kick higher than a Rockette. Considering the fact that a man’s plumbing is on the outside, this feat alone should inspire awe and respect in all who watch. Angry players stand around with their hands on their hips and if your team gets a “safety,” the referee throws his arms up in the air with his hands together looking like “I Dream of Jeannie” before she disappears in a puff of smoke. Successful drives result in “scores” and the team with the most “scores,” wins. The very best team in football is awarded jewelry and they don’t allow women to play. “Man’s game,” indeed. |
