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PMS SOS |  |
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That’s because I am under the influence of PMS. Yes, premenstrual syndrome has once again taken over my brain and turned me into a monster. Small animals and children should not be allowed around me. Men should cringe in the corner. Expect to hear me yelling back at the television because I will disagree with everything said. I would dearly love to run away from myself but I can’t figure out how. It’s a woman thing but it affects all who come near. It’s really quite scary and magnificent all at the same time. I’ve tried all of the remedies: vitamins A through Z, exercise, bright lights. If I could walk until I calmed down, I’d be halfway to Brazil by now. Chocolate helps. In fact, I already placed an order with See’s for a two-pound custom mix. I made sure to include enough decoy pieces to distract the children so I can eat the good pieces myself. See’s is a wonderful chocolate company that is very popular in the West. They started in the Los Angeles area and were always a big part of every holiday in my family. Now they are on the web, www.sees.com, so y’all can get fat with me. I am convinced that chocolate makes me a better mother. And if you don’t agree, I strongly suggest you not try to get between me and the candy box if you value your life. In ancient times, women were revered for their monthly cycles and were in fact, held in awe because they could lose so much blood and still live. Those ancient times weren’t so bad in my opinion. Folks have joked about PMS, mostly men, because to women, it’s not that funny. We’re really nice people underneath but when that PMS devil takes over; it’s not a pretty sight. I don’t know which presidential candidate is in favor of allowing women to “run away” for one week out of every four, but I know my family would be among the first to sign me up. The only thing is, we would all need our own rooms because if we women were all together, there would be some serious injuries. And I don’t know who you could get to clean it up. I wouldn’t go into that arena on a bet. So while I’m all bloated and weepy and on the attack, I’ll try to hide out in the bathroom as much as possible. I’ll sigh a lot and grind my teeth. I’ll bite my tongue because it’s better than biting off other people’s heads. But that See’s had better get here fast. |
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